Dear Telemarketer,
You lost me at: Pause. Static. ‘Hello.’
To the telemarketer on the other end of the phone, my prying questions were nothing personal. Thank you for finally addressing my question as to your company’s name after the fourth time I asked. And I wish we had a little more time to chat about why your company is so concerned with my employer’s Google listing. Why doesn’t your business have a website? Don’t you know the website establishes credibility and acts as a digital storefront for your business? We didn’t have time, but some questions I wish I could have asked are:
- Have you heard about Inbound Marketing?
- You mentioned the call was being recorded by the Federal Trade Commission, will they also see I’ve registered on their National Do Not Call Registry and have reported your phone number?
- Does the FTC have access to those recordings to review the number of times we’ve asked to be removed?
- While I was on the phone, pre-2003 called for you. They want you back. Could you call them next?
- Why don’t you have a website?
- You must not have seen our blog post?
You’ve been around for most of my life. As a generalized and misrepresented hard working millennial, you’ve heard the changes in my voice from childhood to an adult. Your presence even spans the world of technologies and are in a position to identify distinct ‘clicks’ of the phone being hung up. From home phone to cell phone, you’ve heard them all. Much like the common cold, you pop up unannounced just when we’ve forgotten about you, or sat down for dinner. Increase your reach and you’ll increase your odds. There’s power in numbers, as proven by several Nigerian princes. If you’re reading this, the money is on its way, I swear.
But I write to you because there is a better way. Retire those weary fingers. Allow your hair to grow back across that strip where your headset once lay. You’ve been at it long enough. Like the industries of yesterday, you too can form clubs staring blankly while reminiscing at times past as new paths are forged. Kids these days and their YouTube and texting. Because of you, we know what not to do. But alas! Don’t just call, call, call asking for something, work for it. Have pride in your business. Build a website and set your brand image. Reach for the stars because if Kanye West can cover Bohemian Rhapsody at a music festival, if videos of cats and dogs have more views than credible articles about the latest in global news, anything is possible on the internet.
Educate people by promoting your brand only 20% of the time and offering useful information 80% of the time. Build a collaborative marketing and sales team to chase after qualified leads you’ve gathered organically through a strategized, well thought out marketing campaign. Turn leads into customers and customers into promoters and maybe, just maybe, we’ll all be adding your phone number to our rolodex smartphone contraptions instead of the complaint page on the National Do Not Call List.
Yours truly, sincerely, now and forever.
